seeking external approval

I find myself wanting to blog more often but never really getting to the point to type out a blog post. There are several things that I want to get straight with myself, and one of the only ways I know how is to have it written out plainly for me to see. And this is the following:

  1. Due to my need to update my Instagram/social media so much and the fact that I am very hesitant on actually writing a blog that is to be shared publicly, I show a lot of signs that I crave the approval of others. It seems like I feel the need to show to everyone how well I am doing, and how happy I am doing.
  2. I don’t feel 100% comfortable with posting a picture of me and my boyfriend on social media. That is perhaps because of the fact that I sub-consciously want people to think that I am still single and available so that they would treat me nice. From my experience, boys tend to only like being friends with you when they know you are not taken. Which brings me to my next point…
  3. I seek the approval of others (this was clearly the first point that I have previously made). I function with the idea that I am only worth what other people think I am worth.

Perhaps this is the real problem of my anxiety and stress. I recently snapped at my boyfriend when he simply said I crave the approval of others on social media. He was right and it was hard to come to terms with myself knowing that. I had felt angry and insulted when he said that about me, despite his intentions being completely non-malicious.

How will I combat this very tendency of mine? Stay tuned.

Happy New Year 2017!

It is a new year but it sorta feels the same to me. I feel the social obligation to make a list of resolutions for the year, but I feel like it won’t really work if you don’t want it to work, anyway. So here I am typing up a blog post instead.

I have made the conscious decision to move on and live a happier life without my ex being in my life. It is definitely a decision that I personally have to make daily. With time, I hope that the decision will me easier. And I will be completely over the previous relationship. I want to ultimately be able to love myself and see the value that he should have seen in me.

There are several people in my life that support me and I am extremely grateful for that. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Without my support system, I would never have been able to go through the whole year as easily as I have.

I will be moving out of my home to Ottawa in less than a weeks time, so I will start off my year with an opportunity to explore a whole new city in Canada. I am extremely nervous considering that it is somewhere completely new and faraway from my home. However, I am excited to where this new job is going to take me. We shall see from there.

On to newer and better things in 2017!

Moving On 2.0

Letting go is hard. It is easy for some things, harder for some others. Easy if you put your mind to it, harder if you don’t have the emotional capacity to. I have tried to let go of many things, some things, more than once (to my carelessness).

It was hard for me to let go twice. But now I know I must. It is just harder the second time. Perhaps I gave myself false hope that things might work out and go back to what they were before the whole commotion. In reality, things will never be the same again. And why would I want to go back to something that was so toxic to begin with?

Throughout my life, I put a lot of meaning into the word love. I love you and I will always love you, I would say. I always felt like I was so strong to say that, because it just means I am willing to give up a part of myself for someone else in the name of “love.” This idea was ultimately (clearly, now) unhealthy to me, myself. I put so much hope and love into something else that isn’t me that I have lost so much of myself.

I am still trying to put myself back together, maybe rebuild my whole self. And in this process, I am also discovering things that I don’t like about myself (as mentioned before). I put too much of myself out there. I made myself vulnerable. Is that just who I am? Is that ever a bad thing to do so? Or maybe it was just the wrong person?

I know inside me, there is still some sort of hope left. Some part of me hoping that he would text me back or call me back saying that he loves me and he wants to work things out, or that he wants to try again. It is pretty strong in me right now and it is really hard to suppress the thoughts. I know that there will be other people out there for me who I will love and who will love me better.

This is a part of the healing process. The part where I have to realize that I am better off without him and I deserve love. Moving on is something that I have done before with the help of my friends and family. And I can most definitely do it again. It is the hardest at night, but the sun will always rise.

Love Yourself

And just like that, my mind freed itself. Being in an emotional cage, well, it is not the best. I am glad I am better now. I spent time with myself and feel less… anxious about life, and more sympathetic to myself. I wanted to be someone I love, and despite all the flaws I can see when I look in the mirror – how can I be so damn harsh to someone I love?

I don’t think I should put the burden on anyone else to love me the way I want to be loved, except myself. I think that is something great to have in mind.

6.

You have turned your heart into a museum of people you’ve loved to keep them alive inside you. They still go about their daily lives, laughing and living. You? You just suffer. You suffer so that they can keep on living on like that. And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Memory capsule

I am writing this in hopes that I will be able to recall you with fond memory in the times when I cannot and in the times where I will to forget:

I remember you as someone I really looked up to, older, mature, very thoughtful. I remember saying hi to you in the hallways of high school. And I remember talking to you about co-op. I also remember you bringing me a drink on my 19th birthday. I remember you inviting me to things, even though I said no. Those were so sweet and thoughtful – few friends of mine even did things like that for me.

Our first date though. I still smile when I think of it. It wasn’t really a date. I though I was going to go out for coffee with a friend, I owe that to myself to go out in someone else’s company at that time. We talked for hours. We walked. And talked some more. I remember a strange old man telling us that we looked good together, and that we will be together for a long time. I laughed nervously. You laughed nervously. I could tell that you’re nervous. I never had someone to talk to like that in such a long time. I really liked you and your company. I didn’t mean to flirt with you. But you flirted with me. I imagined a life with you instead of my ex. It was a nice life and I was happy. You drooled all over your dinner at pita factory. I thought it was adorable and you were so vulnerable. It was the first time that I stopped seeing you as someone “older.” I was attracted to you. Even before we first kissed, I thought about what it would be like kissing you. We walked to your home when it was dark. I didn’t mind. You walked me to the bus stop – the first of many. The bus stop where we would kiss for the first time later on. I don’t know what I felt back then. But it was a damn good first “hangout” in my books.

When you worked in Oakville, I visited you a lot. I liked you. You made me feel like I was cared for and loved. Yes, it was selfish. But I did love you as a person. And you made me happy, even though I was not at that time. Seeing you made me happy. You managed to make me bus to you every other weekend, even though I have never done that for anyone before. And you made me cringe, smile, cry and even impressed, most of the time. I remember whispering to you that I was falling in love with you. I didn’t think I was lying, it was hard not to. I might have failed to acknowledge your apparent love and care for me, but I promise you that deep down, at that time, that I did appreciate you. The thing I most vividly remember is you picking me up from the bus stop. I would pretend that I was all cool outside, but inside I was trying so hard to impress you. I wanted to impress you more. It was lame because I could have never done that. I never had a first real drink at a restaurant before, I have never had real steak, and I think I realized during all those time, that I never really gotten to know someone like you before. Between the late night buses back to Waterloo and the visits at my house, you are right, who would have done that for me if not you? If not someone who was truly in love with me?

I remember vaguely telling you that we will be better off separated for the co-op term. I only said that because I wanted to get over my ex. I know that I wanted you, that you were my real goal in my head. Or someone like you at least. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t love you the same. I wanted to so badly. I really think that I did love you at that time, but I just couldn’t know it in my head. It was my favorite term of all terms so far. We worked in the same city. I remember our first lunch date! You met me at a nearby sushi restaurant. I hated to admit it, but I found you so attractive in work clothes. Everything after that is sort of vague to me. We hung out so much, and I could tell that you loved me. I once cried to bed that term because I was afraid that I won’t love you the same and that I would miss out on a chance to be happy with someone like you (of course I was being hormonal). I got to know your parents. I really liked your dad. And your mom is one of the most sweetest person I know. They raised you well. I was sorta happy that they didn’t make a big deal out of me being your girlfriend. And they didn’t mind me coming over a lot. I am happy because that felt very nice and it didn’t put a lot of pressure on me. One favorite memory of mine is when we went to get sushi legend, and then we went home after. We can never agree on something to do together, but that term, we definitely agreed on the Walking Dead. I remember you getting take out for us even though we argued. I know that deep down I was so happy. And I was still half-mad but how could I be mad at you? I remember you went out with a girl so it would make me jealous (admit it). And honestly though, it didn’t. I was so confident in your love that I knew that she wouldn’t compare and that you had no room left in your heart. So many firsts! And so many realizations. You always made me feel on top of the world like I was capable of doing everything. This term was my “Ottawa” term. It is still something I think about and miss a lot.

I remember putting a lot of strain on you. I remember screaming in your room in the middle of the night, half tipsy, and crying. I remember trying to leave but you asking me to stay. I remember so many bad things from this term, that I am scared to think about it, even now. I am going to have to admit to myself that I was emotionally confused and you were slowly tired of how I am not responding to you anymore? I was scared and tired and confused. I don’t remember a lot from this term and I don’t think I want to.

The term where you got a car (I don’t know how else to name it), was the term things got better. I fell in love with you. And I have spent your love, and you were tired. We still argued a lot. I was scared. Being in love means that you are vulnerable, and I felt like I really was. Especially then. You felt it too. You knew I loved you. Unconsciously or not, you knew that I was going to be there. And I was. I started loving you more and more each day. Some days you were mean to me and hurt me. But I choose to remember the days where you didn’t. We had great dates. You made me very happy. We tried really hard to let the things that hurt us go. This was the term that I seriously considered you in my future. I saw us being happy in our own apartment. I saw us happy. You picked me up from school and drove me home. You made your curry chicken wings and my favorite vegetables. You received news that you got the job that you wanted. I knew you would. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that you would have gotten it. Even if you didn’t get the first job you applied for, I have always believed that you would have gotten something similar some where else. I cried though. Not because I didn’t want you to leave. But because you were. I was going to miss you and I didn’t like the thought of you not being around. The thought of that scared me. I knew that distance was going to put a strain on us whether we tried or not. Especially the distance where we cannot readily see each other on weekends. I was still happy. You were going on a new journey without me. I hate to see you leave but I know it will be for the best. And I knew that you will someday grow out of me. We cried to sleep on our last night. It was going to be the last time I ever laid in a bed with you for a while. The last week in Toronto with you was the best. I never felt like you were leaving. It just felt like old times again. And when you did, it never hit me. I am not even sure if it hit me yet.

I remember the trips we have been to. We took many trips. My favorite was our last trip to Niagara. I went into it expecting the most out of it, and I think that is what we got. I felt so lucky to have you at that time. You were always so good on dates. And going on a trip with you is just a whole weekend of one good date. You took pictures of me. I felt happy. I tried not to feel sad when the weekend ended. I assured myself that it isn’t really the end of the trip. I was tired and happy. It is a really good combination of emotions, really.

Perhaps we won’t get back together anymore. The irrational me wants to argue with you all day, because at least you will be talking to me – yes, you might despise me, but at least I have your attention. The rational me thinks that its best if you moved on if you wanted to (I remember writing it in a letter). I know I have done more harm than anything to us and you have almost ran out of love to give me. Which is why I am writing this, I suppose. It is time that I got ready to let the person and memories I love go willingly. Yes, I am losing you, but that is part of life. Perhaps you will fall in love with someone else or I will. Perhaps you have really ran out of emotions for me. Maybe things won’t work out, but I am glad we gave it a run. And I am glad that we fell in love with each other. And I do not want to forget what we have been through. You have changed my views and me. Yes, I am sentimental and emotional. I want to believe that in between my flaws that I am still beautiful.

I want to look back at our memories no matter what happens to the both of us, and be thankful of you, for loving me so courageously and almost unconditionally in your own way. I hope you will too.

“Love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict.
Maybe love is not ready for you.
Maybe you are not ready for love.
Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered.
Maybe love is only there for a month.
Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit.
Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t.
Maybe love shouldn’t.
Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to,
And love leaves exactly when love must.
When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper,
“Thank you for stopping by.”

An Open Letter to Myself: Break Ups

I wrote this little bit for myself around a week ago, so I guess it is a relevant time to post it now.

Remember that scene in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, where Dumbledore looks into Harry’s eyes and said, and I am paraphrasing here, to obey his orders and to follow through – no matter what he might say after drinking that horocrux-protecting-liquid?

DO NOT RELAPSE.

So this is me, logical Maple, telling you, not-so-logical-Maple, that no matter what you are feeling you need to get through it. Stay strong. Persevere. And you will get through the stages of recovery from a breakup. You will be better than before when you come out of the tunnel. These are the stages that you are going to go through (maybe even all at once):

1. Shock and denial

Ah yes, the first stage, Maple. You might get through this overnight. You most probably will. Which is why it is best to have a break up on a Saturday. You will get a day of “rest” on Sunday and then return to your normal routine on Monday. You might be feeling surprised and uneasy, but what has happened, happened. And it is for the best. You will be OK. Wake up, put on some make up, smile in the mirror, you know that helps.

2. Desperate for answers (or just desperate)

Yes, you want to know what happened to us. Yes, I get it, you want to know what you did to fuck it up. But you did not do anything. You tried your best. It just so happens that it did not work out for the best. You need answers, yes. But please do not seek answers from him. He never gave you a solution before, do you really think he will now?? People are selfish and you should be too. Love doesn’t matter anymore.

3. Pleading/Bargaining – That may end in a relapse

DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, END UP IN A RELAPSE. This is the most dangerous stage. You need the drugs out of your system completely. And you need to suck it up and move on. There will be other guys for you. And if not, you will just go on eHarmony or some shit like that. Or an arranged marriage. Whichever one suits you best. There will be someone better. So what if it didn’t work out? You tried. And you tried. You gave your best, didn’t you? You always fucking give your best. It seems like it is biting you in the ass right now because you did, but I cant promise that it won’t happen again. Just think about it, if you were happy, would you be here right now? Nope. So suck it up, eat some chocolate and ice cream and watch sappy movies. Talk to people. Do anything and everything that you’ve ever wanted to do. Don’t stay in! Go out! I dunno. Just stop being a sorry ass at home. You are so much better than that.

4. Depression/Sadness/Anger

It is common to feel these emotions. You were, in some ways cursed, to feel things so deeply. I get it, you lost someone you loved. You lost someone who you thought was your everything, someone who you thought was going to be with you for a long time. If you aren’t upset or mad, that would be very weird. That means you never cared to begin with. DO NOT LET IT CONSUME YOU. Do not waddle in your misery. You are lovable. You feel bad when someone you care about is hurt or sad. You like it when everyone you love is in one room with you. You are pretty. You are beautiful in your own self, even you are mad and crazy. Someone else is going to love you even more in the future. Don’t waste your time being sad or angry. The only person you are hurting right now is yourself.

5. Acceptance

You are going to accept it as something that has happened in the past. It might be 1 year from now, maybe 6 months, maybe less than that. Or more. I don’t know. Either way, you will reach this point in time. And things will be easier. Life will go on. And you won’t be reminded of him when you meet people anymore. You won’t feel bad if you go out with someone you are attracted to. You are getting better. And you will. Being alone in a restaurant doesn’t scare you, so why should being alone elsewhere scare you? You are stronger than you know. You are so much more capable of doing things than you know.

maybe im just a ghost

“You tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.”
— Warsan Shire