seeking external approval

I find myself wanting to blog more often but never really getting to the point to type out a blog post. There are several things that I want to get straight with myself, and one of the only ways I know how is to have it written out plainly for me to see. And this is the following:

1. Due to my need to update my Instagram/social media so much and the fact that I am very hesitant on actually writing a blog that is to be shared publicly, I show a lot of signs that I crave the approval of others. It seems like I feel the need to show to everyone how well I am doing, and how happy I am doing.
2. I don’t feel 100% comfortable with posting a picture of me and my boyfriend on social media. That is perhaps because of the fact that I sub-consciously want people to think that I am still single and available so that they would treat me nice. From my experience, boys tend to only like being friends with you when they know you are not taken. Which brings me to my next point…
3. I seek the approval of others (this was clearly the first point that I have previously made). I function with the idea that I am only worth what other people think I am worth.

Perhaps this is the real problem of my anxiety and stress. I recently snapped at my boyfriend when he simply said I crave the approval of others on social media. He was right and it was hard to come to terms with myself knowing that. I had felt angry and insulted when he said that about me, despite his intentions being completely non-malicious.

How will I combat this very tendency of mine? Stay tuned.

Happy New Year 2017!

It is a new year but it sorta feels the same to me. I feel the social obligation to make a list of resolutions for the year, but I feel like it won’t really work if you don’t want it to work, anyway. So here I am typing up a blog post instead.

I have made the conscious decision to move on and live a happier life without my ex being in my life. It is definitely a decision that I personally have to make daily. With time, I hope that the decision will me easier. And I will be completely over the previous relationship. I want to ultimately be able to love myself and see the value that he should have seen in me.

There are several people in my life that support me and I am extremely grateful for that. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Without my support system, I would never have been able to go through the whole year as easily as I have.

I will be moving out of my home to Ottawa in less than a weeks time, so I will start off my year with an opportunity to explore a whole new city in Canada. I am extremely nervous considering that it is somewhere completely new and faraway from my home. However, I am excited to where this new job is going to take me. We shall see from there.

On to newer and better things in 2017!

Moving On 2.0

Letting go is hard. It is easy for some things, harder for some others. Easy if you put your mind to it, harder if you don’t have the emotional capacity to. I have tried to let go of many things, some things, more than once (to my carelessness).

It was hard for me to let go twice. But now I know I must. It is just harder the second time. Perhaps I gave myself false hope that things might work out and go back to what they were before the whole commotion. In reality, things will never be the same again. And why would I want to go back to something that was so toxic to begin with?

Throughout my life, I put a lot of meaning into the word love. I love you and I will always love you, I would say. I always felt like I was so strong to say that, because it just means I am willing to give up a part of myself for someone else in the name of “love.” This idea was ultimately (clearly, now) unhealthy to me, myself. I put so much hope and love into something else that isn’t me that I have lost so much of myself.

I am still trying to put myself back together, maybe rebuild my whole self. And in this process, I am also discovering things that I don’t like about myself (as mentioned before). I put too much of myself out there. I made myself vulnerable. Is that just who I am? Is that ever a bad thing to do so? Or maybe it was just the wrong person?

I know inside me, there is still some sort of hope left. Some part of me hoping that he would text me back or call me back saying that he loves me and he wants to work things out, or that he wants to try again. It is pretty strong in me right now and it is really hard to suppress the thoughts. I know that there will be other people out there for me who I will love and who will love me better.

This is a part of the healing process. The part where I have to realize that I am better off without him and I deserve love. Moving on is something that I have done before with the help of my friends and family. And I can most definitely do it again. It is the hardest at night, but the sun will always rise.

Love Yourself

And just like that, my mind freed itself. Being in an emotional cage, well, it is not the best. I am glad I am better now. I spent time with myself and feel less… anxious about life, and more sympathetic to myself. I wanted to be someone I love, and despite all the flaws I can see when I look in the mirror – how can I be so damn harsh to someone I love?

I don’t think I should put the burden on anyone else to love me the way I want to be loved, except myself. I think that is something great to have in mind.

7.

there is one person I want to fall in love with – myself
it makes a good love story, you see, because of how impossible it seems
who would fall in love with someone with such flaws that are laid bare

– well, it would be a story that I want to share in long bus rides with you

6.

You have turned your heart into a museum of people you’ve loved to keep them alive inside you. They still go about their daily lives, laughing and living. You? You just suffer. You suffer so that they can keep on living on like that. And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

5.

After everything that has happened, I watched it begin again.